Z’Tejas: You can’t miss the restroom, and don’t miss the chiles rellenos

A Southwestern dinner at Z’Tejas was the perfect way to end my stay in Austin (1110 W. 6th Street). Like Roaring Fork, Z’Tejas is a small chain — 11 locations in Texas, Arizona, California and Utah — but the quality and flavor is fantastic, so you’d never think you were dining at a chain restaurant (i.e., this is no T.G.I. Friday’s).

The restroom at Z’Tejas has earth-tone paint and tiles, but the entrance is quite jazzy, with bright red walls and a large, bold, geometic textured painting in red, black and yellow. You certainly can’t miss the bathroom here. The restroom was pleasant but simple, with glass vase of fresh flowers and a steel countertop; the rectangular sink was part of the countertop, and had a slanted bowl (if you can really say a rectangular, slanted sink has a “bowl”).

I swear, every meal I had in Austin was incredible, and it made me sad to go back home to New York City — a crazy thing to say, I know, considering NYC is a haven for foodies. But we don’t do Tex-Mex, Southewestern or barbecue very well, all of which the Texans and Austinites have perfected. At Z’Tejas, I ordered the smoked chicken chile relleno, which was stuffed with chicken, nuts, dried fruit and cheese, and slathered with spicy sauce. It came with classed-up versions of rice and beans, as well as a skillet of fabulous cornbread. It was one of those meals best enjoyed by eating little bits of everything together in each bite. And now I’m completely obsessed with chiles rellenos: I made my own shortly after returning to NYC, and there was no question about what to order when I went to Abrana Marie’s Norte in Williamsport over Christmas.

Restroom Rating: [rating=2]

South Congress Cafe: Marble “stuff” a trendy restroom makes

Having brunch at the trendy South Congress Cafe felt like having a little piece of NYC in Austin, Texas (1600 S. Congress Ave). It’s located in the awesome South Congress / SoCo neighborhood, which is packed with unique restaurants, shops and food trucks. 

South Congress Cafe has appropriately trendy restrooms. You get to them via a hallway with a concrete floor and whitewashed stone walls. Frosted porthole-style windows, etched with the universal restroom graphics, mark the men’s and women’s rooms. The sink is surrounded by this pale cream marble-type stuff; it frames the curvilinear mirror, and along the walls, the top edge is scalloped. One side of the mirror is carved with a lone star, just in case you forgot what state you are in. The sink is made of the same marble-type stuff.

My friend recommended South Congress Cafe’s migas, a traditional Tex-Mex breakfast dish, consisting of a big ol’ mishmash of scrambled eggs, cheese, vegetables, salsa and refried black beans. It comes with a smoked gouda potato pancake and a stack of the best house-made corn tortillas I’ve ever had. A sensational taste of Texas, especially when accompanied by South Congress Cafe’s beautiful pear bellinis.

Coffee Pot Bistro: College kids keep it intellectual in the restroom

After stuffing ourselves with barbecue at Kreuz Market, Opera and I hit up the Coffee Pot Bistro in San Marcos, Texas (129 E. Hopkins St.), where he’s getting a master’s degree in opera, for fancy-schmancy coffees and good conversation.

Coffee Pot’s restroom was a bit run down, with dinged-up gray walls, a pink chair rail and a strip of yellow paint around the mirror. Like in the UC Berkeley bookstore restroom, the pseudo-intellectual bathroom graffiti reminds you that you’re in a college town: the pink stall doors are scrawled with things like the dictionary definitions of “pretentious” and “irony,” “Everything is good in moderation, even moderation!” and “To love and be loved in return” (which another person turned into a “Moulin Rouge” quote by adding “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to…”). Coffee Pot’s most unique restroom feature? You had to ask the baristas for the bathroom key, which was attached to a metal cup.

Coffee Pot’s specialty espresso beverages are on the outlandish side, with crazy flavor combinations and even crazier names, including “call-me-crazy” and “wacky wizard.” I ordered the “mocha amore,” a blend of dark chocolate, strawberry and amaretto, and it was pretty gross — too fancy for it’s own good. Sometimes it’s better to stick with the basics when it comes to coffee.

Kreuz Market: Mind-blowing Texas BBQ makes up for boring bathroom

What’s a trip to Texas without barbecue? Thanks to my friend Opera, I got to try some of the best at Kreuz Market in Lockhart, a city known as the Barbecue Capital of Texas (619 N. Colorado St.).

Kreuz Market’s restroom was nothing special. Oak doors, oak paneling, stainless steel, blah blah blah. The only unique “feature” was a handwritten sign above the baby-changing station that asked patrons to leave the flap open. It was written with a mint green paint pen on the same brown paper they use to wrap your food in.

Kreuz’s barbecue makes up for any failings in its restroom. Like the bathroom, all of the food is simple, from the meat, to the white bread and Saltines, to the macaroni & cheese, but all together, it makes a meal that will blow any carnivore’s mind. Julie Andrews was on to something in the “Sound of Music”: good things do come in brown paper packages tied up with string. I got the beef “shoulder clod” because I prefer leaner meat, and when you layer a hunk of that on a slice of white bread with pickles and hot sauce, a little bit of Texas magic happens. Opera also insisted that we each get a jalapeno cheese sausage — hello, delicious heart attack! I also liked that, deep in the heart of Texas, I could order a side of sauerkraut in a Styrofoam cup, which is my favorite way to honor my German heritage. Oh, and did I mention the sweet tea? One of the best food experiences of my life, hands down.

Restroom Rating: [rating=1]

Sazón: My nightmares come true in Texas restrooms…

In Austin, I had lunch with CarLOS, an old friend from my Long Island / Steve & Barry’s days, at Sazón (1816 South Lamar Boulevard). New York City isn’t known for its Tex-Mex food, so I was excited to have some legit enchiladas.

But first, I had to use the restroom — and I almost fell over from shock / horror / laughter when I walked in the door. You see, for years, I’ve had a recurring nightmare in which I desperately have to go to the bathroom, and none of the stalls have doors, or else the doors are small and provide insufficient privacy. That’s right. I don’t dream about still being in high school, and being naked or unprepared for an exam; I dream about having to use a restroom without stall doors. How does this nightmare relate to Sazón? Well, when you enter the women’s room, you see TWO toilets, sitting side by side. I had to do a double take. Wait…I did just lock the door, right? No one else is going to come in and use the other toilet, right…? This is a one-person restroom, right? Yes. Okay. Phew. Crisis averted. And then, I was about to use the one closest to the door and sink, when I — thankfully — realized that the toilet paper was on the other side of the room, next to the other toilet. DEAR HEAVENS. The restroom is dungeon-like, too, adding to its nightmarish qualities. Because I survived one of my nightmares in real life, I wonder if I’ll stop having that horrible dream?

Weird, terrifying double toilet experience aside, Sazón does serve delicious, inexpensive Mexican food. It’s simple stuff — cheese-covered enchiladas, nestled between scoops of refried beans and rice — but when I want Mexican, that’s exactly what I want. This meal alone made the trip to Austin worth it.

Restroom Rating: [rating=0] (I would give this restroom negative stars if I could.)

Roaring Fork: In Texas, Martha Eulene helps you find the women’s restroom

I generally pooh-pooh chain restaurants, but I went to a couple of phenomenal small chains in Austin specializing inTexas-style cuisine, including Roaring Fork (701 Congress).

Roaring Fork’s decor makes you feel as if you’ve stepped inside a classy 19th-century saloon, and the restroom keeps up that vibe, with rustic stone walls in the hallway outside the men’s and women’s rooms. And how did you know which was the women’s restroom? An elaborate, unique piece of artwork on the door, made of leather belts stamped with female names, including Martha Eulene, Joni Dee and Debra Joe (can you get more Texas?). Inside, the restroom had orange tiles and dark wood stalls, but it was the sink area that was most interesting. The copper sinks were molded into a seashell shape and had fancy, antique-style faucets. The mirror had a weather-beaten wood frame, and a small box wrapped with handwoven fabric held a stack of paper towels. Hilariously, even this fancy restroom had Pepto Bismol pink soap. Finishing touches? Horseshoes held the toilet paper and were used for door pulls inside the stalls.

I couldn’t get over how awesome my meal was: a personal-sized iron kettle, filled to the brim with green chile pork stew, served with a side of warm corn tortillas. I also had a few bites of my friend’s bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, served with cheesy grits and corn — ah-ma-zing. I didn’t think I was a pork girl, but apparently I am at Roaring Fork. I kind of wanted to go back to Roaring Fork…every day…but Austin has so much incredible food, from Tex-Mex to barbecue, that I didn’t have a chance.

Restroom Rating: [rating=5]

Austin-Bergstrom International Airport: Texas state pride even in the restroom, y’all

I’m used to the New York City area’s abysmal airport restrooms (like Newark/EWR), so the Texas-themed restroom at the Austin-Bergstrom International Airport (AUS) was a nice surprise after my flight for a week-long pseudo vacation in Austin. Granted, because it’s an airport bathroom, it’s still got that institutional / antiseptic feeling, but special Texas tiles broke up the usual sea of plain white tile walls: state capitol building, bluebonnet flowers, cattle, a scorpion. The Lone Star was featured prominently, too, in earth-tone mosaics just inside the entrances to both the men’s and women’s restrooms. Metal plaques ringed with stars were hung outside the restroom above the drinking fountains; each shared a nugget about Texas “reality” and “mythology.” Oh, Texas, I love you for that — you are the only state that gets to talk about your “mythology.” Texan state pride is one of my favorite things about Texas.

Austin’s airport restroom was a nice little welcome to the Lone Star State. Along with seeing airport restaurants like Ray’s Chuckwagon and Salt Lick Taco Bar. There’s just no place like Texas, is there?

Restroom Rating: [rating=3]